Wren at the Beach at Evening
LJ and Wren at the Beach
Me and LJ at Picolo's The Red Bar
Saturday, October 07, 2006
So This is Mid-life
I don't know if other people feel this way, but I have never really felt my age. A late bloomer in junior high and high school, I don't think I started shaving until I was in college. Didn't get the first hair on my chest until I was probably 20. I remember football players always seemed so much older than me, even when I was the same age that they were, and even when I was actually a bit older than them.
Then there came a period of my life where my late-blooming served me well. In my 30s, people constantly expressed surprise when I told them my age. Of course, I've never been much for dressing up in business suits and acting like my father, so I "dressed younger" than most guys my age. But I also try to stay in shape (with as little effort as possible). I took up running while in college and have stuck with it ever since. Just don't assume that means I'm running any marathons. I'm doing good to run 3 miles 3 days a week.
Well, it seems that life and reality have a way of catching up to you.
I'm 45 now. Soon to be 46. I have more gray hairs than blonde ones and a little (for now) naked spot on my crown. I have to wear reading glasses along with my contacts to see anything close up. I have this thing around my waist that makes the button on my pants scream in agony. Some people call them "love handles" but aint nobody holding onto these babies these days. Speaking of which, I'm starting to understand the collosal market demand for Viagra, Cialis and the like. (Although, I try to think of my lower libido as a God-send rather than an affliction.)
And what's with this? I catch myself getting jealous when I see a guy with a full head of thick, wavy hair. I NEVER used to even think "Gee, that guy's got good hair."
I'm also jealous of people with what seem like more successul careers than mine. I subscribe to a weekly Business Journal that I can barely make myself read because it always fills me with feelings of envy, makes me compare myself to other people being profiled in fluff pieces. And it's not simply jealousy. I wonder, "What's wrong with me? Why haven't I made such achievements with my life? What's holding me back? What character flaw do I have that they haven't got?"
Plus, I'm in that sh*t sandwich, caught between kids needing me as their father and aging parents whose needs for me are growing as well. The future now starts looking pretty scary, filled with worries like crime, college tuition, illnesses and long-term care.
There's just no denying it. I am middle aged. I am over the hill. In fact, I've topped that hill and slip-sliding down its backside. And now I've been on the downhill side long enough for that reality to sink in. The "mid-life crisis" is the shock, the denial, the attempt to stave off the inevitable. And, thank God, I believe I'm starting to get over the "crisis" part. The shock is wearing off. The denial is gone. The truth is sinking in.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not giving up or giving in. I'll still get up and put in my 3-mile run, 3 days a week. I'll still spike my hair with "product" in an attempt to look young (and hide that bald spot). I'll still look at the latest issue of GQ or J Crew when shopping for clothes. My attitude is just different now.
I thought by this time in life, things would be easier. There would be a pattern, a system, everything set in its place. I thought my business would have grown to a point where it took care of itself. I thought my life would pretty much run on auto pilot. And now I realize that was just a pipe dream, my unreal and imagined idea of being an adult.
So I sit. I am still. I listen to what I'm saying. I listen to what God is saying. "My grace is sufficient." I think of all the incredible blessings in my life. My wife. My children. Our home. My work. And I am grateful. Grateful to be on the downhill side of the hill. Mindful that there are advantages to being on the downhill side. Like gravity. Like a snowball, picking up the lessons I've learned along the way and growing larger as I go. Like finally being able to see the valley below, beginning to understand where it is that I am headed.
The race is not over. Welcome to mid-life, Jay.
Then there came a period of my life where my late-blooming served me well. In my 30s, people constantly expressed surprise when I told them my age. Of course, I've never been much for dressing up in business suits and acting like my father, so I "dressed younger" than most guys my age. But I also try to stay in shape (with as little effort as possible). I took up running while in college and have stuck with it ever since. Just don't assume that means I'm running any marathons. I'm doing good to run 3 miles 3 days a week.
Well, it seems that life and reality have a way of catching up to you.
I'm 45 now. Soon to be 46. I have more gray hairs than blonde ones and a little (for now) naked spot on my crown. I have to wear reading glasses along with my contacts to see anything close up. I have this thing around my waist that makes the button on my pants scream in agony. Some people call them "love handles" but aint nobody holding onto these babies these days. Speaking of which, I'm starting to understand the collosal market demand for Viagra, Cialis and the like. (Although, I try to think of my lower libido as a God-send rather than an affliction.)
And what's with this? I catch myself getting jealous when I see a guy with a full head of thick, wavy hair. I NEVER used to even think "Gee, that guy's got good hair."
I'm also jealous of people with what seem like more successul careers than mine. I subscribe to a weekly Business Journal that I can barely make myself read because it always fills me with feelings of envy, makes me compare myself to other people being profiled in fluff pieces. And it's not simply jealousy. I wonder, "What's wrong with me? Why haven't I made such achievements with my life? What's holding me back? What character flaw do I have that they haven't got?"
Plus, I'm in that sh*t sandwich, caught between kids needing me as their father and aging parents whose needs for me are growing as well. The future now starts looking pretty scary, filled with worries like crime, college tuition, illnesses and long-term care.
There's just no denying it. I am middle aged. I am over the hill. In fact, I've topped that hill and slip-sliding down its backside. And now I've been on the downhill side long enough for that reality to sink in. The "mid-life crisis" is the shock, the denial, the attempt to stave off the inevitable. And, thank God, I believe I'm starting to get over the "crisis" part. The shock is wearing off. The denial is gone. The truth is sinking in.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not giving up or giving in. I'll still get up and put in my 3-mile run, 3 days a week. I'll still spike my hair with "product" in an attempt to look young (and hide that bald spot). I'll still look at the latest issue of GQ or J Crew when shopping for clothes. My attitude is just different now.
I thought by this time in life, things would be easier. There would be a pattern, a system, everything set in its place. I thought my business would have grown to a point where it took care of itself. I thought my life would pretty much run on auto pilot. And now I realize that was just a pipe dream, my unreal and imagined idea of being an adult.
So I sit. I am still. I listen to what I'm saying. I listen to what God is saying. "My grace is sufficient." I think of all the incredible blessings in my life. My wife. My children. Our home. My work. And I am grateful. Grateful to be on the downhill side of the hill. Mindful that there are advantages to being on the downhill side. Like gravity. Like a snowball, picking up the lessons I've learned along the way and growing larger as I go. Like finally being able to see the valley below, beginning to understand where it is that I am headed.
The race is not over. Welcome to mid-life, Jay.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Coming up for air
THE BIG ONE came through. Naming, branding and launch of a $1.4 billion spin-off company with 3,000 employees across the U.S. To say the least, my summer was a blur. Did squeeze in a week at the beach a couple of days after the Day One launch. Will upload a photo or two shortly. Gotta go. Life is calling again.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Where I'm At
A lot has happened since my last post nearly three months ago. My grand-nephew, William Blake Burns lost his five-month struggle for life on March 5. I was honored to speak at his memorial service and read from William Blake's "Auguries of Innocence". (I also designed the program for his service -- a quietly simple labor of love.) I resigned the troublesome client mentioned earlier, and am still trying to collect money they owe me for services rendered. Businesswise, I have several very promising "irons in the fire" -- a couple of large, new clients and some important pending projects. If all of them come to fruition I will be living in clover and hiring up team members to get all the work done. But presently, I'm in a holding pattern, waiting on decisions to be made which are out of my hands. The snow has long since melted. Spring blossoms have peaked and faded to a lush late-spring green. Everything that once seemed dead is budding forth with new life.
God is good.
God is good.
Friday, February 10, 2006
Stuck
I took this picture with my cellphone camera while stuck in traffic. It had started snowing about 2:00 and at 3:00 I had to run a package to the nearest FedEx drop-off site for an overnight delivery to New Jersey. The normally 15-minute roundtrip to FedEx ended up taking more than an hour. Most of the trip was spent crawling at a snail's pace and watching the cars around me fishtail and all the streets, both the main thoroughfares and the sidestreets, become clogged with commuters picking up kids early from school and leaving work early for the day.
Thought I'd kill a minute or two by clicking a shot looking northward on Perkins Extended and emailing it to the Pig Farm.
Hey, at least I'm not one of those poor suckers stranded when this same storm front gave birth to a record snowstorm in the Northeast.
Thank U, Alanis
It's been a while since I last posted. I've been struggling with an especially difficult new client. Trying to find the elusive thing that will make them happy. It's a client that in better times, frankly, I would have resigned. I'm wondering if business will ever be what it was just a year ago. Then, if you've been following my grand-nephew, Will's story, you know that he went in for his second surgery to repair a serious heart defect, the doctors said basically "It doesn't look good," and he is now clinging onto the frayed edges of life. And in the midst of all this, while listening to the words of "Thank U" by Alanis Morissette, I am struck with a rare moment of clarity.
How about me not blaming you for everything
How about me enjoying the moment for once
How about how good it feels to finally forgive you
How about grieving it all one at a time
Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence
The moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it was
The moment I touched down
How about no longer being masochistic
How about remembering your divinity
How about unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How about not equating death with stopping
Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you silence
The world is still revolving on its axis. God is still in charge. I remember His Divinity. I remember this life is not meant to be perfect. I remember that "all good things work for good for those who love the Lord." I remember that God's will is good, pleasing and perfect. And I remember to be trusting -- yes, even thankful -- for disappointment, for hardship, for weakness. If nothing else comes from difficulty, it draws me closer to God. And for that -- for Him, for His presence -- I am grateful.
How about me not blaming you for everything
How about me enjoying the moment for once
How about how good it feels to finally forgive you
How about grieving it all one at a time
Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence
The moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it was
The moment I touched down
How about no longer being masochistic
How about remembering your divinity
How about unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How about not equating death with stopping
Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you silence
The world is still revolving on its axis. God is still in charge. I remember His Divinity. I remember this life is not meant to be perfect. I remember that "all good things work for good for those who love the Lord." I remember that God's will is good, pleasing and perfect. And I remember to be trusting -- yes, even thankful -- for disappointment, for hardship, for weakness. If nothing else comes from difficulty, it draws me closer to God. And for that -- for Him, for His presence -- I am grateful.
Monday, January 23, 2006
Happy New You!
In case anyone noticed: Sorry I haven't made any posts in the last several weeks. I'd like to say it's because I "have a life" but really I think I just haven't had anything to say. But I have been busy. I'm solo (I hate the word freelance!) for the first time in nearly ten years, and business has picked up over the past few weeks. So I have been busy.
I've always liked the month of January. Partly because my birthday is in early January and every year as long as I can remember my Mom has made me a peppermint birthday cake with crushed bits of candy canes sprinkled over the top. But mostly because January represents a fresh start, a new beginning.
Flipping around on television the other night, I was attracted by a movie on the Lifetime channel. I don't even know the name of it, but it starred that actor who played the crotchity old father with the duct-taped chair on "Fraser". I think what attracted me was that the people in this movie seemed so real, unlike most of the people in Lifetime movies (or any other made-for-TV movie for that matter). Fraser's dad was playing this philandering more-than-middle-age man who loved his wife but kept cheating on her. He was having a years-long affair with a woman who was apparently a friend of his wife's, and sleeping around with other women as well. Cheating on both of them it would seem.
In this one scene, while on a business trip he meets a young bartender who was young enough to be his daughter and they end up having sex in his hotel room. As they're getting dressed the girl's cell phone rings and she takes a call from her husband, tells him she's wrapping up at work and will be home soon, and asks how's the baby doing. She apparently is "happily" married and has a young child.
So Fraser's dad asks her, "Why do you do it?" Why have affairs with other men?
And she responds simply, "Because it makes me feel new."
Wow. I never thought about infidelity that way. Maybe because it's not my personal choice of vices. But I think I can relate to that idea nevertheless.
I buy stuff. I want the latest gadget. I drive a fairly new car. I like new clothes. I get trendy haircuts. And I buy (and download) LOTS of music. Constantly. And I suddenly realize it's because they make me feel new.
Discovering a cool band, like the Flaming Lips or Interpol, and listening to their music for the first time. Buying that shirt and sweater that make me think I look like that guy in the J. Crew catalog. I'm someone today that I wasn't yesterday. Who I was yesterday disappointed, screwed up, didn't live up to my expectations. Who I am today is different, better. Surely this will be the one.
Talk about "looking for love in all the wrong places"!
"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning. Great is thy faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul. Therefore, I will hope in Him."
Here's to truly new beginnings. New mornings. New mercies. New years. New yous.
I've always liked the month of January. Partly because my birthday is in early January and every year as long as I can remember my Mom has made me a peppermint birthday cake with crushed bits of candy canes sprinkled over the top. But mostly because January represents a fresh start, a new beginning.
Flipping around on television the other night, I was attracted by a movie on the Lifetime channel. I don't even know the name of it, but it starred that actor who played the crotchity old father with the duct-taped chair on "Fraser". I think what attracted me was that the people in this movie seemed so real, unlike most of the people in Lifetime movies (or any other made-for-TV movie for that matter). Fraser's dad was playing this philandering more-than-middle-age man who loved his wife but kept cheating on her. He was having a years-long affair with a woman who was apparently a friend of his wife's, and sleeping around with other women as well. Cheating on both of them it would seem.
In this one scene, while on a business trip he meets a young bartender who was young enough to be his daughter and they end up having sex in his hotel room. As they're getting dressed the girl's cell phone rings and she takes a call from her husband, tells him she's wrapping up at work and will be home soon, and asks how's the baby doing. She apparently is "happily" married and has a young child.
So Fraser's dad asks her, "Why do you do it?" Why have affairs with other men?
And she responds simply, "Because it makes me feel new."
Wow. I never thought about infidelity that way. Maybe because it's not my personal choice of vices. But I think I can relate to that idea nevertheless.
I buy stuff. I want the latest gadget. I drive a fairly new car. I like new clothes. I get trendy haircuts. And I buy (and download) LOTS of music. Constantly. And I suddenly realize it's because they make me feel new.
Discovering a cool band, like the Flaming Lips or Interpol, and listening to their music for the first time. Buying that shirt and sweater that make me think I look like that guy in the J. Crew catalog. I'm someone today that I wasn't yesterday. Who I was yesterday disappointed, screwed up, didn't live up to my expectations. Who I am today is different, better. Surely this will be the one.
Talk about "looking for love in all the wrong places"!
"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning. Great is thy faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul. Therefore, I will hope in Him."
Here's to truly new beginnings. New mornings. New mercies. New years. New yous.
